If My Dogs Could Speak

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  • Is it time to play? How about now? Now?…. [Silence] Now???
  • Begging is my way of letting you know that you’re not feeding me the right food. Don’t you know I’m still a growing pup? (and I’d rather have steak than dry kibble!)
  • If I hog your side of the bed, it’s only because you rolled over.
  • My name is not “Big Dummy.”
  • Stop waking me up with your shoe. I snore because I’m old. Get over it.
  • I love food. More food. Anytime. Any day. In no particular order.
  • Did you say fetch?
  • I love peanut butter.
  • Your husband’s taking over my bed space. Could you tell him to sleep on the couch? I need my beauty sleep.
  • Leashes. Blah.
  • My breath stinks. I’m a dog. What did you expect?
  • I may occasionally eat poop. Don’t kiss me!
  • My mother left me. I have anxiety. Don’t leave me. Or you might find chewed shoes, remote control, cables, flip-flops etc. You get the picture.
  • Lavender scent doesn’t reduce my anxiety. That’s just nonsense.
  • It’s your fault that I got into the trash. I can’t resist leftover food.
  • I’d like to be the only dog. Make that top dog. Do you mind getting rid of the competition? She’s crimping my style.
  • Stop taking my picture! I’m not your personal muse.
  • You know, I wouldn’t really touch that if I were you.
  • Thunder scares me. I’ll just stay underneath the covers if you don’t mind.
  • Chocolate won’t kill me. Give me more! I’ll prove it.
  • I bark at everything. Including my reflection.
  • Yes, I’m excited to see you even if you were only gone for 5-minutes! What else am I going to do? Stay in the corner and ignore you?
  • Eating the same food every day sucks! See how you feel if you had to eat the same yucky dried food at 6 p.m. 365 days. I’d like some steak, maybe a butcher’s bone, maybe a little rice and eggs from time to time. Hold the veggies please!
  • I don’t eat lettuce. It may be good for me, but last time I checked, I’m a carnivore.
  • My sister hates my guts. I can’t help it if I don’t want to share my toy.
  • I’m not a fan of being told to go to bed. What am I? A teenager?
  • Why can’t I destroy this Kong? I chew and chew and chew and chew… It’s still here.
  • I need a bath. Maybe some grooming. It’s been over a month. Don’t you think it’s time? I stink big time!
  • Would you like to pee in the rain? I didn’t think so.
  • Would you like to poop in the rain? Ditto!
  • Where’s the cat? I need something to pounce on. Now.
  • Petsmart’s awesome.
  • If I look at you adoringly after getting into the trash, will you not punish me? Please?
  • This is how it works. You throw the ball. I run and get the ball. I bring it back to you. Yes, it’s wet with my slobber. You throw ball. Cycle repeats. It’s not that hard. Just Do It.
  • My mother may have been a mutt, but I’ve got a thoroughbred personality.
  • I like belly rubs. Would be nice if you did more of it.
  • When I snort in my sleep, it’s likely because I’m dreaming of chasing kittens, birds and clouds.
  • I will stop listening to you the moment I smell a squirrel. It’s in my DNA to chase after them with no reason. Call my name all you want, but I’m not coming back until I get the critter.