Offloading…..

Thursday, Sept. 9th, 2010 (11:50 p.m.)

To our little one,

We found out you were in my belly on August 7th though I suspected a few days before. Without much fuss, and a positive pregnancy test, we found out we were going to be parents. You can imagine our delight (albeit quiet delight) but without realizing it; we fell in love with you the moment we knew. We didn’t see you. We didn’t really know. But we knew you were ours.

We had dreams for you. Envisioning your life with us. Imagining our role as parents. Your grandparents were waiting for you. Joyous. Happy. We thought about diapers, baby cribs, names – everything that soon-to-be parents should think about – though we were afraid to even admit it to ourselves. Silly us! We didn’t want to get too hopeful but somehow we did.

Yesterday afternoon everything changed for us. We found out that your life ended 2-weeks ago (right around 8-weeks ago). My body still felt pregnant but your heart wasn’t beating. The ultrasound screen was certain. Our worst fears confirmed. My heart is broken. We are both incredibly devastated. We miss you so much already and our hearts ache for your future you. I haven’t stopped crying. Your dad is more stoic but he’s always been strong.

I’m sorry we couldn’t protect you and keep you safe from harm. We don’t know what we did to lose you like this but please know that we loved you very much and were looking forward to a life with you. Your dad cried when we found out we lost you. And he doesn’t cry very often. He loves (loved) you too!

Until we meet again in some faraway shore. You’ll always be our first.

With so much love,

Your mom (or had hoped to be)

P.S. I wrote this the day after we found out about our loss but haven’t been able to articulate it well let alone speak of it coherently. Like it never happened. Insane. When it’s an experience beyond cataclysmic.